When did I forget the joys of sleeping

If ever anyone catches this blog post, they might be wondering what the hell is going on with this person? Such wide arrange of topics ranging from the philosophical to the dramatic! God...what a wide range...

Well, it's 2:05 am, and I should be in bed. But I'm not. I'm sitting here, typing the blog, my eyes sort of heavy but not entirely.


It's funny at night how things are so peaceful and calm and tranquil, yet there is this huge sense of danger. As I look out my window, I see some urchins walling the street, but little fireflies of light illuminating the path along the sidewalk. Monstrous buildings tower above, whose height may not be big, but presence is especially strong.

But with this discovery of this new world, you loose something as well. Sleep is one of those things that is so precious, we really loose sight of its purpose when we start avoiding it. Sleep is the time to recharge, time to repair, and the time to wake up.

Yeah, I know wake up may not sound appropriate for this kind of topic, but think about. Through your slumber, you could wake up with a solution, an answer to a problem, a new look on life, or wake up a totally different person. It's happened before.


So why not now?

I think as I continue to progress in college, I realize that the night is my friend to an extent. One of my goals for this semester is to try and get to bed by 11pm at the latest, but sometimes life doesn't always allow us the luxury when accomplishing our goals.

I feel we are living in such precarious times that a luxury like sleep is so precious. So interesting. And so mysterious. I yearn for it but rarely do I try to grab it when it's in front of me.

News flash: Conservatism has risen its ugly head onto me

Maybe as you do get older, the outlandish starts becoming even more outlandish, or maybe you're just becoming more out of touch with the times.

As I stated from the beginning, I am not your typical average college student. I don't like to drink, I find fraternities and sororities interesting but not for me, and I love school. I have always felt I was lightyears ahead of everyone, but now that gap seems to be shortening...too quickly.

Perhaps its the territorial animal in me, but I've never been privy to be equated to everyone. It's the artistic ego. I always feel I'm one step ahead or at least try to be. But I don't flaunt it, at least most of the time. I'm the type of individual who always tries to stay ahead of the curve but wants everyone else to get there with him. I don't like leaving others behind.

But now I feel like I'm falling behind. Steadily. Quickly. And damn fast.

I feel like at college, I have really missed that essential part of being a college student: going out. I feel like I'm becoming my Dad. My Dad is a very solitary animal, and really doesn't like socializing. I mean, I like to socialize, but I have a limit. I've been trying to raise the limit but it's been met with opposition by my supposed Type A personality (which is odd, because up until now, no one has described me as Type A...more like Type F).

I just logged off of Facebook after viewing a person's profile and I quietly said to myself, what the hell happened to this person? Has he gone off the deep end? But then I stepped back and asked: Or have I truly become out of touch with people my own age?


Scary stuff.


Truly scary stuff.

God how I hate to cry

Yep the title says it all. I really hate crying. It's the easiest thing to do and the hardest thing to get over for me. All I have to do is start that little fire under the emotion and the tears start flowing, I mean as I'm writing this, so many emotions are going through my head right now, and the tears just start welling up.

God I hate this. Why do we cry? Couldn't we just simply just say I'm sad? Why does our body have to do this spasming of water works? It's unconventional, it's just plain damn stupid.

This was a tough day. I woke up and it was cloudy and I knew it was going to be a tough day. It began to rain, and I knew somehow, someway it would not end on a good note. And now I sit here, typing out this blog, with just so many thoughts flying around. Lost without a guide to put them all together for me.

These are the toughest times for anybody, but I think especially for college students. We are sometimes left alone to deal with these heightened and fiery emotions without the aide of our parents, our friends, our loved ones.

There were questions asked of me today and I lied. I lied because I didn't want to face the truth. I didn't want to come across as two face or a hypocrite. But I felt like I should of said it. And I didn't. Why? I don't know why. And it kills me.

I guess now is the best time to share it.

What do you consider the most beautiful thing you have seen?

My first response: The most beautiful thing I have ever seen is seeing two men kiss, but it's also the most ugliest thing I have ever seen because it reminds of how alone I am because of who I am. And I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I can't help it. And it kills me. It honestly kills me. I thought I got over this identity crisis a long time ago. I thought this was over.

My second response: Seeing an older Daisy holding the infant Benjamin Button at the end of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and seeing the infant look at her and then slip into the surely bonds of heaven. I never cried at that moment because I locked it all away and now it's come back out.

I passed and never answered the question.

The next question was: What day would you like to go and relive

My true response: I would really like to go back to the day my ex asked me to be their significant other. Now knowing what I know, I would of said no. I was so wrapped up in the moment I didn't realize I was getting myself in a trap and setting myself up for such emotional damage.

I picked another day because I just couldn't put it out there.

The truth of the matter is today was the first time in a LONG time that I felt tears come out of my eyes and tickle my cheeks. Rather sting them. I feel all that crying does is paralyze me and make me inept and motionless. As I was sitting reading a required reading assignment, ALL I could do was just stop and collect myself. The words just kept on reverberating within me and all I wanted to do was stop and cry. People think I'm ok with emotion, but really I'm not. I feel emotions are powerful and dangerous within me. I wish I could be emotionless sometimes, and I know I've said this before, but now, Today, I wish it were true.

What purpose does it serve to cry? I don't know. I really don't know. And without the help of anyone, I feel absolutely powerless to my emotional state. And God knows what could happen next. As an artist and a sensitive individual, I am powerless to my highs and lows. And when I get into my lows, I can either come out of them very quickly, or take a while to get out. Let's hope by the time therapy rolls around, I will be able to talk about it. I really do.

God darn you for creating crying...

A test of will

When you are pressed up against a wall, sometimes you are required to make decisions that though not liked by yourself, you have to make them.


Recently, I decided to really take a step back from my ways and really examine what I am doing with my life. Am I making decisions that by tomorrow I can truly say I can back up? Will I wake up the next morning? Will at the end of my life I look back on this time without having any regrets?

I have decided to become a man of God and take under my faith a vow to serve his will and his ways.

You can define this vow in any way you want, but I have my own definition for it. And I'm sticking to it for now.

How can one person be in such a life of sin that they ultimately have to waive the white flag and say enough? Or are they truly in a life of sin or are they overblowing everything?

When I began down that dark road last semester, I wasn't sure if I was in trouble or I was just discovering another side of myself, a side I really never even knew. A side brought on by past emotional trauma? It's hard to say. It's hard to try and decipher things when you're in the thick of it. There was such a pressure, so much pressure to try and find a relationship that I rushed into one way too quickly, let the other person advance things too quickly, and then I had to clean up the remains when they decided to jump ship. That does a number to your self confidence, and it really makes you think was it me? Do I look ugly?

I don't know how this vow is going to work. i don't know if it will even work. It seems too good to be true, but perhaps I may learn more about myself by takin this introspective look. Only God knows, and now that I abide by his ways, he has all control.

Dreams vs. Reality

First let me apologize for not blogging everyday. As we are all well aware, when we get back into the swing of college, time seems to become a precious commodity, chewed up constantly by classes, work, social time, etc.

Last night and today, I had to make a tough decision, one that pitted people against each other, and put my ideals to the true test.

To give some background before I tell the story, I had always been a dreamer. I believed, no matter what, the impossible could be achieved. Nothing was unattainable. Straight As? No problem. A trip to Fort Walton to visit my soon to be ex? It was easy.

Originally when I had applied to go on a trip to London, I had accounted for the cost and thought I had everything planned to the T. But when the economy bottomed out, no one could expect that money would become scarce or even hard to come by. But it did.

Sooner than later, costs started their steep climb to the astronimical levels and savings became harder and harder to continue.

And then I came back from winter break, prepared to get London sewn together in a nice and neat bow. Then, I got hit with a figure I couldn't POSSIBLY take care of: 12,350 dollars.

I thought, not everything is lost, this is manageable. There has to be a way of doing this. But as the clock continued to tick, prospects grew dimmer and the probability was no longer in my favor.

As of 11:00 PM of last night, I left it at there was a way to make this happen. When I woke up this morning, the stress climbed a couple of notches, and I hadn't even rolled out of bed. I tried to continue to sleep, hoping, praying there would be something to save me from this nightmare. But one thing after another made me cringe and my stomach do somersaults. It wasn't a way to live, and we all know how much I abhor stressing about impossible situations. I finally sat down and searched my conscious and finally decided to throw in the towel.

Now most of you are reading this probably scratching your heads or yelling at the computer at this decision. Why didn't you try harder? You would have found a way!

At the end of the day though, how would that decision impact me further down the road? Let's face it people, the average student gathers roughly 30-40,000 dollars (and this is an estimated figure and probably way OFF) in student loans, taking perhaps their entire life to pay them off. With London on the books, who knows how much I would be out. How much more loans I would have to take out? Some say this is the best option. To me, I think this is suicide.

As we enter these uncertain times, let's face it: we don't want to accumulate too much debt. It's getting harder and harder to pay it off. While London would have been amazing, the prospect of facing that added debt, BEFORE GRAD SCHOOL, it just wasn't worth it in the end.

What I learned today is sometimes it's great to dream, but to dream too much amidst a harsh reality can be detrimental. True, dreams to give us hope, but when you are faced with the truth that this perhaps a dream that won't come true, perhaps you need to concede. The greatest fighters in the world are great because they know when it's ok to throw in the towel and give up.

Giving up, so un-American of us. Not really. Perhaps it's more of a reallocation of priorities?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this? Though my decision is final and set in stone, opinions are always welcome. Be vocal, but be polite. This has been a very trying time and I feel bad as it is.

I'll meet you at the door

When one door closes, another one opens. It's common sense right?


So with the closing of the winter break and the beginning of spring semester about to commence, excitement is in the air as well as nervousness. Last semester really tested my mettle and really made me question a lot about myself and how I operate as a human being. I felt I needed to embark on a soul search, and I'm not so sure that soul searching is done. I thought it was, but the more I sit and think about it, I don't think it is.

Life is complicated. No shit right? But as every day progresses, new problems arise, new situations are created, and we as people (not humans) have to confront them and face them. Right now, I'm faced with several obstacles, most of them more personal than professional.

As I commented yesterday, I began to purge my emotions and was contemplating whether or not I was becoming emotionally dead. I thought to myself, I think I'm pushing the envelope too much with this motive. But as the days get longer, and the challenges become greater, it's nice to contemplate not having emotions.

But then, you're grasped with the notion of not being able to feel happiness or joy. You're not able to grasp or bathe in the emotional waterfall of a good book or a great movie. Is this the price you must pay for sanity? Or are you just gaining a new form of insanity?

When the night falls on the land, fears come out to plague the mind and try to strangle it to submission. As I look out my window right now, the lights guide a path through the various buildings, but inside, I feel my inner light has been extinguished a bit by my fear. And that's not right. I am afraid, but I am not paralyzed by my fear.

How can it beneficial to be paralyzed by one's fear? I feel like this is a topic people have debated for years and given countless solutions to. But to me, I don't feel there is a ready made solution, but rather that comfort comes from discussion and talk. It's funny because the latter isn't favored by our society anymore. I mean, think about it. In a world heightened by the advancement of technology, how often do you converse with a person face to face?


I showed you the answers and now here's the door-Duffy, "Warwick Avenue"

Have I been shown the answers? Of course not. My favorite blogger, Davey Wavey, recently posted a question to his readers asking if they wanted to know the date of their departure to the nether world. I thought to myself, how morbid! Why would anyone want to know that? But as you think about it, maybe there is comfort in knowing that. I mean, if you know when you are going to die on a certain date and time, what would you do before then?

But then I think to myself, aren't some things just left to chance? If I knew when I would die, I don't think I could truly live. It would be like a final countdown and that wouldn't be living. That would be death.

Drop the past and be true- Duffy

Drop the past, what a comforting thought. I want to. I would love to forget everything that happened to me in the past 20 years and be able to just have now until the day I die. But, again, you sacrifice those ultimate cherished moments. Your first kiss. Your first report card with straight As. The time you and your Mom had time to yourself and just chatted like friends. The time you and your Dad played tennis, even though he left with a groin injury and you a hurt ego. Those are memories you can't sacrifice for anything, even if it's peace of mind. Why would you?

I think what I'm getting at here is as I embark on this new semester, it's ok to feel this way. I wouldn't be human either wise. At the same time though, being paralyzed by fear, that's not living. That's true death. The day you start that, you might as well carve your tombstone.


Here's to the new semester, may it be a blessed one.

The Power of Goodbye

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye- Madonna

At the end of every break, we utter those two words as we depart from our childhood homes to return back to college. And every year, it seems to get tougher and tougher.

This past break was blissful in nature. i rediscovered something, went on a path of self rediscovery, confronted demons, and became content with the person I am. In three weeks no less. Through this time, I bonded with my parents, realizing that perhaps they are my only true family, both biologically and emotionally.

I gained a new sense of the world through art, realizing its immense potential to change the world and your mind in little less than three hours. Life became precious and choices became more crucial as you begin to enter the real world. Will I take this job? Do I go to grad school? Where does life lead me?

And then there are the good byes. Each year, we utter those words several times, but do we ever take time to realize the gravity of those two words? As hard as it may seem, you are departing from a person, and sometimes you may never know when you might return to them, if you will ever.

At the bus station this past weekend, my parents bid adieu to me as I began to travel back to college. They offered me a hug and kiss goodbye, and I declined. As I look back on that event, there is this sense of guilt about what I did. True, it's not like I'm never going to see them again, but I didn't say anything. I just put on my shades and just left. I called them up later and apologized to which I got the usual: it's ok, we know what you meant. But the guilt never left.

It's hard nowadays to try and control your emotions. And when you're like me, trying to caution one's emotions before they get out of hand is hard. And as college revs back up and the stress begins...shutting yourself down seems like the best option. But who gets hurt in the process? To become emotionally dead isn't the right answer, but in public, is emotionality frowned upon? I know I'm not a celebrity yet, but I'm not the hugest fan of finding a picture of me showering the ground with tears because I'm saying goodbye to somebody. My emotional time is saved for in private and not in public. I tried the opposite and you start caring TOO much about how others will react. You want their sympathy so much, you go to crazy extremes.

So am I wrong? The only true person who can say that is me. I do feel guilty and I don't think the guilt will go anywhere anytime soon, but for the sake of just chugging along, I'll probably sweep it under the rug and deal with it later. Judge me all you want, but sometimes that's what you have to do, in my opinion.

Goodbyes are never easy, but becoming an emotional mess and wasting all that energy...now that's a crime.

And the clock keeps on ticking

Wow, what a great year 2008 was for the movies. Amidst all the economic woes and political fiascos (yes Illinois governor, you were the worst) and triumphs (you go Barack Obama, you go), Hollywood managed to give us some cherished classics. Over the past few weeks I've managed to find a connection between some of the biggest movies of the year with our experiences as college students. Call it a stroke of luck, but I think I may have found the one. Yes the one.

As you will notice, we have entered 2009 and if you've watched the JibJab parody of what happened in 2008, 2009 is sure to be a year that will begin in a state of confusion and caution. With the staggering economy, the continuing inactivity of our outgoing President, and new escalations in the wars in the Middle East, one can only hope 2009 will turn out better than 2008. It's during these times of fear and confusion, we turn to this notion of reclaiming the glory days of our youth. In my previous post, I recalled my newfound re-discovery of my Super Nintendo and how my countless hours with it allowed me to revisit my chilhood, a time in which my view of the world was truly roses and lollipops. I didn't know about money issues, nothing about relationships, and thought the world existed between the end of my street and school. Life was simple, yet contrived.

But what if the opposite had occured, in which youth was plagued by medical problems and adulthood was enhanced by vitality but unfortunately doomed by the notion of the constant travel towards death?

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

The title alone makes people stop and stare. The curious case? What's so curious? A case? Is it a crime drama or something?

If you haven't seen the trailer of this movie or haven't heard about its sheer magnificence, you are definitely missing out. Benjamin Button is cursed with a curious twist on life's constant factor: time. He is born old, close to death, and slowly travels backwards in age, back towards a youthful existence. Though, he too is not invincible against death, as he becomes younger, he continues his trek towards 70 and 80, his insides decaying as well. Yet, you would think that as a youngester at 80, life would be simple, no?

Perhaps one of the best ironies of the film (and the saddest), Benjamin witnessed all his loved ones die around him and he was powerless to stop it.

We are always on a constant trek to reclaim our youth, to reclaim a time where life was simpler, or so we think. But is it truly?

If you were able to turn the clock back and escape from college life, would you?

To me, I feel that college has given me something I would never get rid of: a chance to explore who I truly am. Though there is a price for this freedom (i.e. academics), it's a price that is reasonable and not extravagant. Would I like to go back to the time in which I had to rely on my parents just to get around? Do I want to relive the painful, embarassing moments of wetting the bed or being called the fat boy? No. Do I want to leave my college life behind to escape in the real world? That question is, like time, too uncontrollable at the present and not something I can easily answer. 2009 marks the beginning of the end with my undergraduate career. In a year, I will have completed a four year career that has been marked with a nice mixture of both happiness and sadness, triumphs and failures, and that ever constant factor: change.

It was very real to me that I saw Ben. Button on New Year's Eve as it brought to life some pressing realities. I'm growing older and I can do nothing to stop it. Unlike Benjamin, I am not a victim to life's weirdness, because I am in control of what happens. Yes, once could argue other factors like fate can influence some of my choices, but ultimately I make the choice. You are in control of your own destiny, no matter who tells you otherwise.

My favorite blogger, Davey Wavey, is also going through this same sort of feeling right now. He posted this entire post on his own musings on a very personal topic, one I don't feel is my right to talk about on my blog, so here's the link: breaktheillusion.com. It's interesting how this person, who seems so comfortable and can tell the world how comfortable he is, truly isn't. Are we always on this constant quest to find out who we truly are. Will we ever be satisfied?

I think back to Benjamin Button and realize he was satisfied in the fact he found his true love and got to be with her for the time he did. Whether or not F. Scott Fitzgerald meant it to be perceived this way is up for debate, but it made me realize that sometimes there is only so much worrying you can do. You can only worry so much about your final exam. So much worrying about love and relationships. So much worrying about life in general. There comes a time where you have tell yourself one thing: Shut up.

Yes, shut up. Quiet thy mind and revel in the one thing we always seem to forget: You are alive and in good health. Whether you aren't in good health, you're still living. When the world is collapsing around you, it's these times of goodness and sheer joy that you have to remember. College is an interesting monster of a being. It can give us the best times of our lives and the toughest. But, if we go into it ready for anything and ready for those uneexpected events, won't we come out a stronger person?

Life is not fair sometimes, life is fair sometimes. Fate is an uncontrollable force, no matter how much you try to control it, it will always find a way out of your control.

2009 may be forcasted to be a year in which we may face our toughest challenges yet, but if we go into it expecting the worse, then we will get the worse. But if we do believe in the Audacity of Hope, perhaps we may come out unscathed and stronger and more of an individual than we were before.

Have a great new year's day everybody! Tomorrow I may not be able post because I'm going back to college and it's going to be a full day of travelling and getting into job training.

But please, relax, enjoy the company of your family and loved ones, because soon enough, we will be back into the flow of things. Savor the break.

Rock it out!


AND...before I forget, go treat yourself to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Even for a three hour movie (yes, it's roughly that long), you will not be bored.