Yep the title says it all. I really hate crying. It's the easiest thing to do and the hardest thing to get over for me. All I have to do is start that little fire under the emotion and the tears start flowing, I mean as I'm writing this, so many emotions are going through my head right now, and the tears just start welling up.
God I hate this. Why do we cry? Couldn't we just simply just say I'm sad? Why does our body have to do this spasming of water works? It's unconventional, it's just plain damn stupid.
This was a tough day. I woke up and it was cloudy and I knew it was going to be a tough day. It began to rain, and I knew somehow, someway it would not end on a good note. And now I sit here, typing out this blog, with just so many thoughts flying around. Lost without a guide to put them all together for me.
These are the toughest times for anybody, but I think especially for college students. We are sometimes left alone to deal with these heightened and fiery emotions without the aide of our parents, our friends, our loved ones.
There were questions asked of me today and I lied. I lied because I didn't want to face the truth. I didn't want to come across as two face or a hypocrite. But I felt like I should of said it. And I didn't. Why? I don't know why. And it kills me.
I guess now is the best time to share it.
What do you consider the most beautiful thing you have seen?
My first response: The most beautiful thing I have ever seen is seeing two men kiss, but it's also the most ugliest thing I have ever seen because it reminds of how alone I am because of who I am. And I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I can't help it. And it kills me. It honestly kills me. I thought I got over this identity crisis a long time ago. I thought this was over.
My second response: Seeing an older Daisy holding the infant Benjamin Button at the end of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and seeing the infant look at her and then slip into the surely bonds of heaven. I never cried at that moment because I locked it all away and now it's come back out.
I passed and never answered the question.
The next question was: What day would you like to go and relive
My true response: I would really like to go back to the day my ex asked me to be their significant other. Now knowing what I know, I would of said no. I was so wrapped up in the moment I didn't realize I was getting myself in a trap and setting myself up for such emotional damage.
I picked another day because I just couldn't put it out there.
The truth of the matter is today was the first time in a LONG time that I felt tears come out of my eyes and tickle my cheeks. Rather sting them. I feel all that crying does is paralyze me and make me inept and motionless. As I was sitting reading a required reading assignment, ALL I could do was just stop and collect myself. The words just kept on reverberating within me and all I wanted to do was stop and cry. People think I'm ok with emotion, but really I'm not. I feel emotions are powerful and dangerous within me. I wish I could be emotionless sometimes, and I know I've said this before, but now, Today, I wish it were true.
What purpose does it serve to cry? I don't know. I really don't know. And without the help of anyone, I feel absolutely powerless to my emotional state. And God knows what could happen next. As an artist and a sensitive individual, I am powerless to my highs and lows. And when I get into my lows, I can either come out of them very quickly, or take a while to get out. Let's hope by the time therapy rolls around, I will be able to talk about it. I really do.
God darn you for creating crying...
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