A test of will

When you are pressed up against a wall, sometimes you are required to make decisions that though not liked by yourself, you have to make them.


Recently, I decided to really take a step back from my ways and really examine what I am doing with my life. Am I making decisions that by tomorrow I can truly say I can back up? Will I wake up the next morning? Will at the end of my life I look back on this time without having any regrets?

I have decided to become a man of God and take under my faith a vow to serve his will and his ways.

You can define this vow in any way you want, but I have my own definition for it. And I'm sticking to it for now.

How can one person be in such a life of sin that they ultimately have to waive the white flag and say enough? Or are they truly in a life of sin or are they overblowing everything?

When I began down that dark road last semester, I wasn't sure if I was in trouble or I was just discovering another side of myself, a side I really never even knew. A side brought on by past emotional trauma? It's hard to say. It's hard to try and decipher things when you're in the thick of it. There was such a pressure, so much pressure to try and find a relationship that I rushed into one way too quickly, let the other person advance things too quickly, and then I had to clean up the remains when they decided to jump ship. That does a number to your self confidence, and it really makes you think was it me? Do I look ugly?

I don't know how this vow is going to work. i don't know if it will even work. It seems too good to be true, but perhaps I may learn more about myself by takin this introspective look. Only God knows, and now that I abide by his ways, he has all control.